Wings

Thought I was strong you proved me wrong

Believed I could fly, but you were my wings

Better just to leave me on the ground where I can be found again

Who I am

Here in the 2am darkness I remembered who I am. While persons and circumstance tried to have me forget, I remember.

I am the girl born to 3rd generation immigrant parents, the first in my family to finish a four year degree

I started university when I was 17

I am the one who went out of state when everyone said we couldn't afford it, I got scholarships and I stayed on the dean's list making a 3.8 GPA in my economics major, economics people!

I am the girl who survived devastating breakups, not the least of which my parents marriage

I started my first full time job 3 days after graduating

I am the girl who landed an analyst role at one of the 10 largest banks in the world even though I was not an alumni of their target schools less than 6 months after graduating

The same girl who went on to be the shining star of that 2007 analyst class

The one who beat 2 addictions by the age of 22

I am one who kept her job through the crisis despite being one of the last hired

I am the girl who moved to that new place knowing no one, when people said she must have a boyfriend there she can't go alone....

The girl that turned that once unknown city into so many deep, and meaningful friendships that continue despite a vast distance between us

I am the one that held two committee posts and still got my 9-5 work done before my team members

I am the one who at one point had two jobs and two graduate classes to attend to

I am the girl who followed her spirit when it said go to a former war zone and help, and do it in a foreign language

I am the girl who put herself in harms way more times than I can count only to be restored each time by God

I am the one who went to live in the poorest places, when people asked why would you want to do that....

I am the women who now has 2 little girls and not much else but I will never forget who I am.

Christians v.

Somewhere along the way we went wildly off track. We nearly lost an entire generation because of a few words. Somehow the message went from "I strive to be" to "I am" and that landed us in a world of trouble. A world of hypocrisy, of terror, of apathy, a world of hate slowly pushing out all love.

No one knows when it happened or who did it. The devil had his hand in I'm sure but we allowed it.

When I came back to my Christian faith in 2011 after a decade long hiatus I resigned myself to being labeled all sorts of things again, not least of which was hypocrite. A word that cuts deep, and to someone like me who prides herself on being a genuine person it's an even harder pill to swallow, hence the hiatus.

I didn't understand it though, it seemed like everyone Christians and atheists alike accepted that Christian was synonymous with hypocrite.  It didn't make sense to me and now I know why. we mixed up 6 little words.

When we study the Bible we learn the 10 commandments and the fruits of the spirit and those of evil(sins). We also learn that we are imperfect and can never achieve perfection, ergo we cannot always bear the fruits of good, at times we are going to sin. So then why would anyone ever go around saying I am waiting until marriage, I am honest, I am self-controlled, I am forgiving, I am humble, I am always joyful. When we have already been told we cannot be all of these things at all times. It seems to me that if we all, Bible believers and everyone else, replaced "I am" with "I strive to be"we can remove the label of hypocrite from our churches.

I don't know a single person who can say they have never lost control of themselves or have never told even a white lie, or hasn't held onto bitterness from something in the past. If you claim to be that person well I believe the saint badges get handed out in heaven so no sense in talking like that while you're here on earth unless you're fond of the word hypocrite.

For myself I strive to be everything Jesus was, and God knows I'm going to fall very, very short very much of the time so please my Christian brethren and everyone who has to deal with me I beg your pardon when I do not live up to what I strive to be.

I strive to be loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.

The Good Life in Pretoria

When I saw the massive, high end malls in Pretoria I had a lot of mixed feelings part of me felt happy to see familiar sights and knowing that Africans were able to shop and enjoy the money they have to buy the things they want and not just need. Then I also felt shocked that this luxury is here on the same continent so close to the poorest of the poor Gucci is still open for business.

      

  More importantly I wondered how the Nigerians I was with felt when they saw such a thing knowing how their upbringing was mired in desperate poverty. Here is a few responses a got after much pleading for insight, but truly it seems they don't think much about this dichotomy between living in excess and without. One said "It made me hate my country." To fully understand this you have to know a bit about Nigeria, it's oil wealth and the political corruption, but even without the history lesson though you can see that it breeds a bit of contempt because he knows his country has the money but it is not being used for these things that improve the lives of the masses. That begs the question are shopping malls a sign of improved quality of life? For some perhaps most obviously those of us raised in the mini mall-Walmart-shopping center madness that is America you may be inclined to say no or not necessarily. That was my first reaction, "no don't just replicate America!" Then my other friend spoke he had just arrived from Nigeria only 7 months earlier and it was his first time living anywhere else. His background is more typical orphaned losing both his parents by age 15 they did invest what they could to make their children's future bright nd with that and the help of his sisters nd brother in laws he was able to finish college obtaining a bachelors degree. When I talked to him about the vast differences in South Africa compared to his home his immediate response was "Everyplace should be like this, everywhere, everyone should be able to live like this, enjoying life, able to buy what they want with their money, in Nigeria even if you have money you can't get some things." After further discussion we came to the point that it means freedom, maybe it's in a hellish form of a mall; the lazy escalators, sensory overload neon signs can make one nauseated at times make available certain freedoms that simply don't exist otherwise. Now wouldn't it be great if we could learn to develop ourselves in true freedom and break free from materialism having the freedom to buy what we choose but remembering what is really worth our time and money will never be found in a store. 

Missing America

Missing home

Talking to my dad the other day I told him some things I missed about home, it was nothing you can fit in a care package so I thought it'd make a good blog entry. After nearly 5 months away

1) I will never again mock the fact that there is literally a Starbucks or other coffee shop on every corner of American streets. I miss having coffee prepared for me even if I have to pay for it! It's not even an option here in the village fahgettaboutit but even in town centers you may be lucky to find one place that serves it and there's a good chance they will run out they day you are running on fumes!

2) ive said this one a lot before but it's worth repeating, running water. For showers, washing dishes, and hands. It's probably silly but I feel the water pressure actually adds to the cleaning. 

3) restaurants - it's the epitome of irony that where it takes the most energy to make food there is the least caloric food made available. Having one meal at Applebee's here would provide the calories they need to make the other two meals of the day, collecting and chopping firewood, blowing on burning embers until fire roars, for a bowl of soup or a heap of fufu it all requires more calories than will be consumed. At least it feels like it. 

4) refrigeration - going off the last one - you can't even save the food for more than a day after all the work to start the fire and cook. If you want something like meat well you either invite the neighbors or bargain for the smallest portion worth buying.

5) affordable postpaid cell plans- the prepaid units are expensive, environmentally wasteful and just plain inconvenient! 

6) diversity - I've mentioned this in previous posts but I really miss being able to talk with or see people from all over the world on a daily basis, without looking for some "ex pat" community hangout in a city hours away. 

7) physical freedom - I can't hold the hand of a guy friend let alone give them a hug. I can't ask someone to massage my shoulders. I can't even say out loud what I really feel half the time. It's as if displaying any negativity is a sign of the devil. No wonder nothing gets fixed how can it when you don't recognize problems? It has to be an international priority to get in the mind if a Malawian. 

8) not sleeping under a mosquito net! It's just annoying tucking and returning every time u want to get up or lay down!

9) cars and driving laws- yes our traffic is a nightmare but imagine commutes on bicycles or foot as the only option! while the option to ride or walk is nice to have like major cities on the east coast have public bike share programs and trains that can give you a pleasurable walk from the station to your office. It's not the same as going weeks without even seeing a car! And when you do ride in one knowing you'll be comfortable and not packed like a sardine (except maybe that morning commute hour on the DC metro) =)

10) last but not least indoor toilets with actual toilet seats! Yep topping off the list something's just shouldn't have to be done in places where insects are buzzing and crawling. Some things require a certain degree of comfort. Enough said.

Nothing new

Nothing new 

I never ask them to stay and they always go

All the thrills are gone

The tears stay and my vision is always blurred 

An unbearable feeling, a fleeting comfort 

Like a goodbye kiss 

but you know you'll never see them again

Like watching cartoons as an adult u know they are just illusions

Imaginary unreal

They can't keep you anymore than you can hold water in your hands

But when one just wants to hold your hand 

Little girl doesn't know what to do 

Older men scare me because they know what they do

How to melt our little hearts and lead us into temptation 

But your wisdom is not in years 

I don't know where it  is, I only know my heart starts to flutter when you talk to me, 

I'm speechless when I look in your eyes.  

A grown woman shy in a young mans shadow 

The silence says more than Shakespeare wrote

The bard didn't know the women's side of love

One of fathers not mothers 

Abandonment, inferiority, domination, and fear.

Never knowing when they should stay or go

Can she even chose

It's a mans world isn't it

No one would listen had she said a word 

No one but you young man 

A new generation ready to cherish that which is not new but old

Old as Eve, an imperfect helper for you imperfect man

A good, pure heart

A good pure heart

Few know this bit about my past but I am ready to share now. As time in a village gives lots of time to think. 

but a man of God in my beloved Nigeria once said "she has a good pure heart and if it is deceived it will no longer be pure." This was in 2011. 

That friend never deceived me although those words left him scared to stay in a position where he potentially could. 

Well my heart turned to my work since then and away from anyone or anything that would deceive me, or so I thought. 

A heart, one that strangers can see, and is open to the people God loves most, is a burden as much as it is a blessing. My life would be dull and meaningless without my heart for orphans and impoverished people. Without knowledge of the injustice and my will to fight it with my life, my heart would not even belong with me.

This heart brings joys beyond compare, it bears witness to hope in front of the hopeless, it loves the rejected and forgotten and finds comfort in the giggles of children. Pure in intention good in action. 

But with all of that comes some discomfort 

It's weighed down by miscommunication, by deep corrupt eyes.

It's easily deceived and numb to hurt

It's burden is to remain light in darkness 

To keep warmth in the absence of heat

To see the demands of billions falling on the shoulders of just a few thousand

And ache felt for those left behind and those already gone...

It's a burden just narrowly outweighed by the elation. 

The heart celebrated for a day and then silenced for decades

It beats against the wind, weary and prejudged

It's harder to understand than the "latest and greatest" gadget guide

Showing strength in front of malnourished, neglected children, composure in front of the ignorant....

Patience at the end of the day for the little ones to come and take what love they can

Its solidarity with a small network spread wide across the globe only virtually sending hugs and kisses not often enough providing a shoulder to lean on. 

And so at night it's tears fall unheard and unseen, invisible 

It's hopelessly hopeful

Unafraid when it should be chained up

Seeking pain elsewhere not where it matters not where it's unknown 

It can't chase all the dreams if it had 3 lifetimes but with a helper well... maybe

But for now this heart works alone

More than a feeling

It was more than a feeling 

More than love
A resting place, a knowing deep in the soul,  stomach and mind. 
A search ended, no questions remained
Should've told you to stay, sleeping on the courtroom steps.
We both failed to see it at the time  
Letting something, not someone tear us apart                                 
As my quarter life crises came to a  close not a pisces but a bull i found, your passion second only to our saviors 
A match made in heaven 
I should've insisted you stay
I shouldnt have gone  
Whats an explorer without a quest?  
How will I know when I've arrived? I've been here before but I cannot return without you.             
New questions arise but no new answers                            

 Are you surprised?  We both knew it was more than a feeling.

A heretics letter

Why have you not vindicated us lord? Your faithful servants with hearts so pure they can be seen from heaven. Where is that again?

How can we believe when hezbollah and boko haram make headlines day after day killing in your name. Yes we had mother teresa but if the bad outweighs the good then whats the point of faith? You seldom come on time and the deepest wounds we carry come from your greatest commandmants. Love thy neighbor. Love thy lord. We get the least of love killed in your house, rejected on your mission. Tell me why i should keep my faith in you. The people that love you have shown hatred to me. Those claiming you as their lord are not adhereing ur word and still...

They make the most money, have the most friends and have no bad luck.  We are lacking we are toiling as if still in genesis. Then strangers come to kill us.
A new disease a new bomb. If you wanted us in heaven dont u have a better way? I can think of several... reasons why we shouldnt believe u are sovreign.  The wars big and small wgaed constantlg on this forsaken rock in the universe, the babies hunger cries, the childless wife, the suicidal/murderous teen. Where mother theresa stops they find their glory, vindication and truth. While we are stupidly still waiting for ours.

-a heretic

A Thought

Here's a thought

No really it's just one

He's screaming "I want to marry you!" when all you want to hear is a husband

He's saying "why are we using condoms?" When you already feel like a mom

Then the bed is built and soon the house will be complete, a new nuptial, a new niece

Where is the future? We here is the change when that baby girl is grown at 15

She already feels like a mom

Now this man is screaming at her "I will marry you!" A new bed but same face 

There's no way this baby girl could win the race

16 and the due date is here... A husband, perhaps, he might come back if its a boy.... Her mother always told her a boy can take care of you, now she knows for sure her mother wasn't really a mom after all 

she was just another girl laying in a bed like hers, playing house with her daughters life

She rubs her belly whispering to whoever is listening "please be a boy, I need someone to take care of me" baby boy what are you going to do 

When it's your turn you will lie down too and make a third 

Too early, with one too young cause well she reminds you of your mom and they get along

You wouldn't listen anyway and now the future is light years away

Just one thought away, one beyond "this is what my momma did"

These dreams

Can't believe, no, I don't want to believe that I am here again
Same bed same room and same broken dreams

These dreams sit on the shelf daring to fly whenever the chance permits only to crash on the floor cover bent and pages torn

These dreams have been replaced by others more tangible more within reach more easily controlled not bending to the whims of men

Only fluttering like butterfly wings these dreams can't fly

Not alone

These dreams are you
You dream of me These dreams that can never come true

Why not pick up a different book begin to build on that this one is beat up 

These dreams you know so well will always be on the shelf 
If you only leave them there

I'll go

How many times have I said I'll go and be fine?

I'll leave and everything will be alright

You're better off without me.

Instead of asking for help instead of fitting comfortably in the life laid out for me.

Nights spent tossing in the sheets

Hours spent in tears on the slight chance they would fall into meaning.

staying put is like a square peg in a round hole

Taking the jet is putting whiteout on a Van Gogh

So it stands my ride is either a childhood travesty or an artistic disaster

A prayer of hope for love

Our love has been through the fire

It might be all we say, more than ups and downs

the transformative power of fire has given it a strength surpassing human knowledge

it started out sloppy, it has been everything love shouldn't be....

but its has overcome all of that and more

holding onto simple things like your laugh and my touch

God changed two people wholly and by that many more bystanders

I used to want a picture perfect love but I'm glad I have a real one

Happy we didn't give up because only until you go to the ends of the earth do you know who will follow you there.

In the fire we still stand striving for perfection

One day it will cool, a beacon of hope a testament of His power. 

silent confessions

Addicted to love for most of her life, she asks

How can abuse work its way into a pure life?

How can I stand on a soapbox at work and be speechless at home?

Why is no one allowed to hear the screams or see the moisture fall down her face?

Half Open, Half Broken

wish I had the one track mind of a man.

All my mind is concerned with is the last thing I said to you...

Its just like a woman to cry her eyes out and not even know why.

Just like the weaker sex to want a man that doesn't treat her right.

The curse of eve, and its funny to me, how every detail of our life is worked out in advance

But we can't beat the deadline, we can't catch a sneak peek

We just have to settle down and hope they don't sneak

In this jumbled up mess theres a story, a heart, half open and half broken

Some of us know what it is to fall out of line to never be understood, never loved the way we should

Its a torrential rain this mess of mine, I can't keep the tears back long enough to shout so drowned out like the muzak on an elevator I stay in the rain.

If love can't make you happy what can? water falling on your skin? the touch of a stranger again?

where is love in understanding?

These riddles, these test questions, they aren't helping anyone, but what's the solution then?

Make yourself miserable for love, no, I mean the one you love should put up with being miserable for awhile, I mean if you ask them nicely right? isn't that where the saying "misery loves company" came from? yea I bet it came out of love...

Stupid, senseless, fools rush in kind of love. better not to say it only show it and feel it saying it only makes it fake. What was it? the last thing I said to you?

"I love you."

Engage-ing

Well I guess its that time of year... or life when people get engaged to marry. I vaguely remember this from years past when i was often staggering from bar to bar each holiday season, being estranged from my family and the newly hired runt in a Fortune 500 investment bank didn't make for the happiest of holiday seasons.... Anyway in 2011 I was reconciled with family and back in church, I was also 25 with still no desire to settle down. frankly none of this has crossed my mind until i sat down to write this bit of happy holiday observation. I was in love from time to time but never spurred to make a trip to the courthouse (despite one out of nowhere proposal to do so after a graduate class in DC one evening).

Of course now God was involved in the picking so my standards changed, we are supposed to compare our future husband to Jesus right? So after spontaneous boy hoped a plane back home across the Atlantic my life centered on school and spirituality. After 2 mission trips the following summer to group homes in east/central Africa, I started to appreciate the joy kids could bring. They brought joy out of me and they filled me up with it everyday. They were nothing less than a blessing God's own children, that He would let me serve them was an honor. But before i get too off track all the time with kids wasent making me any younger. I turned 27 when I was in Congo and was still very, very single. I was also coming to the realization that i was very, very old in African terms to be an unwed white woman. Still my soul was unmoved by the thought of marriage or having my own children with a husband.

About a month after i turned 27, still in Congo, with the oldest eligible bachelor being 20, I got a call from my brother, younger brother who was now engaged to his long term girlfriend. Surprised but overjoyed I congratulated him, of course upon sharing this wonderful news i was always faced with the question "And you?" "When is your time?" the answer was a faithful shrug of the shoulders, only God knows right. He can turn water to wine He can being me a husband wherever and whenever He pleases, but in my gut I wasn't entirely sure He would. A more than fit punishment for the sins I've committed in the romance department, lying, cheating, fighting I was pretty awful to some truly wonderful men.  Of course my friends would convince me I was wrong and that surely God was just waiting to unlock this wonderful heart of mine for the right man.

When I got back to the states, it seemed engagement and baby announcements were coming in like tidal waves. by now officially all my HS friends are hitched up and nearly all the college ones too. Even in the family, as of today I am now the only one in my generation (besides one playboy cousin my same age), not engaged or already married. So finally over the last few months, my soul has actually started to warm up to the idea of settling down, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I want to start my own family, here's the kicker. This "feeling" coincides, as many of you know, with the dramatic start to my dream career working in African development. How dramatic? In March I fly off to 27 months in one of the most remote parts of the world. Where I will likely live in a village hut with no electricity, which is fine b/c there is no prospective boy to Skype with anyways.

Life is funny but it certainly has nothing on God's sense of humor. Since I do feel ready for marriage and a life of purity from now until then I bought myself a ring with Psalm 37:4 inscribed on it, its not a diamond but to me its worth more. Its a symbol of a lifelong battle God's strength in me helped me overcome, its also a symbol of the hope I have for the new desires in my heart. Would I change anything? Sure there's some sins i wish I could take back but they are all a part of my story and like it or not that man God created for me is going to love me no matter what. I'm content in the waiting.

If Jesus could vote

Ok this has been building up for some time and I hope you my brothers and sisters find it a worthwhile read.

I am not a biblical scholar but using the fact that the Bible does not contradict itself and knowing God's character I have an argument against voting based on single issues. I urge anyone if you find this is not the biblical way please comment or let me know.

What I know is this, Jesus wouldn't vote for a candidate because they promise to make abortion ilegal.

God gave us free will, so why would he want leaders that pass more and more laws against extremely personal choices. I know he uses our missteps as much as our obedience to teach us about Him and strengthen us to be the people He created us to be. Taking choices away from people is the opposite of what God intended. He doesn't want someone forced or scared into any kind of obedience or righteousness. he only cares about our hearts and peoples actions may change when faced with coercion but never their hearts!

Jesus did not win souls by forcing them to act the way he did, so I don't know where the devout right wingers get off thinking that voting for candidates that promise to pass laws against things warned about in the bible is the way to go, it certainly isn't biblical. Jesus used prostitues for good things by treating them with love and respect like everyone else, by allowing them to make their own choices, he didn't spare Rahab's life by gathering a mob outside her house and yelling at her to close her legs until she listened! People I sincerely believe this is a stronghold for the devil. He's using these issues to divide us and he knows full well God does not want decisions of marriage and childbirth left to our political leaders or state law books  Oh and just a quick point on their inconsistency and we know God is not inconsistent, lest not forget also that greed is also a spelled out sin in the bible so why aren't the right wing candidates quick to bring up laws that would dispel that sin from our society? It is this self righteous, charade of religiosity that has so many people thinking Christians are hypocritical idiots, driving our friends father from us and farther from God.

Think about what your voting for, if your voting for someone because of their religion then the first thing you should be looking at is how much do they use it for their advantage (getting votes they otherwise wouldn't get) instead of God's glory, are the things in their campaign in line with God's view or their own personal feelings on issues? In my humble opinion liberal leaders have a better grasp of Christianity, and yes I do want a Christian leader but its not to push my personal beliefs on anyone or a selfish agenda its because I believe anyone truly trying to imitate Jesus is not going to be steer the country wrongly. They won't pass laws that alienate groups of my friends or make me think I'm no good because I have a past with seriously bad choices.

The bottom line is this, if you're a Christian it should be obvious that banning things we believe are sin is not how we should govern our country, its just not. It's not the example Christ gave us when he was here on earth, forbidding someone from doing things, forcing your opinion on them is not love! Loving one another was His primary command concerning community. 

Recovery

Although strong and independent she needs you
she needs to know she can be weak sometimes
allow her to bath her skin in the softness of your caressing arms
be her earthly comfort, let her cry, and be raw without any armor on
letting you know she is nothing without her Maker
If you can make her feel secure in those times, then she won't go far

What is more intimate than someone inhaling your burden as you exhale it out
as you sigh they see a cross to take up, not a problem to solve but a role to fill
in their biblical position as one who deserves a helper
He must also help when she needs, always giving, always understanding, one day it will be your turn
or will you chose the other one, the next one, the younger one, the red one.

I'll chose the one who can see beauty in the despair, make laughter follow the tears, and show love under the blackest night.

Feeling like a Failure

Is it true that some of us are stronger than others?

some of us can run longer or faster
some of us can carry more weight, take on more burdens
some of us dont feel like giving up as quickly some of us have more stamina
some of us have more perseverance

Is it true that some of us don't get defeated as easily? There are those who don't break down emotionally as often as others.

Their bodies can withstand more punishment and their mind has the endurance to, not just finish the race, but win it with honors.
But you might say their struggles are not the same.
After-all how do u compare first world problems to third? It's like crude oil and bottled water isn't it?

But these problems are only different on the outside, inside we face the same pain. heartbreak is heartbreak all over the world. failure is failure. rejection is rejection in each society there are those left on the outside. depression is depression. and suicide is a persons inability to win his internal struggle.

When we experience difficult times i'm convinced there is not much difference in our internal processing, the difference only lies in what our bodies see.

So cursed is the man who finds himself failing and living among rubbish, while also is the one living in luxury with no one to share it with, surely he has failed too.

What makes us different? one stronger one fitter, who determines who lives and who withers? is it God? ourselves? the Holy Spirit?

If I feel like a failure is that enough to write myself off? If I feel I've been forsaken what do I have to live for? If I know others feel the same or worse and I don't help them.... well how many of us would pull the trigger if we had access to the gun?

Is why relevant ?

Ever since algebra the question why has been the bane of my existence, and I'm sure many of you an relate. Now i'm turning to 'why' in the subject of psychology. We tell ourselves and our friends that you can't control who you love so if that's true should the question of why you love even be relevant?

How do you even begin to explain something you can't control or understand? Is the love you can explain different from the love you can't ? Are both of them from God, and if not which one might be our own doing? Even if we can come up with a list of qualities we love about a person chances are many people have these qualities too so is that really an answer? Now what about the people that we can't find a quality to name in fact they probably have a lot of tendencies that make us question how we even got to discover them but yet we still love. Does love need a reason to exist?

More important, if it doesn't give us a reason should we go searching for one?