Engage-ing

Well I guess its that time of year... or life when people get engaged to marry. I vaguely remember this from years past when i was often staggering from bar to bar each holiday season, being estranged from my family and the newly hired runt in a Fortune 500 investment bank didn't make for the happiest of holiday seasons.... Anyway in 2011 I was reconciled with family and back in church, I was also 25 with still no desire to settle down. frankly none of this has crossed my mind until i sat down to write this bit of happy holiday observation. I was in love from time to time but never spurred to make a trip to the courthouse (despite one out of nowhere proposal to do so after a graduate class in DC one evening).

Of course now God was involved in the picking so my standards changed, we are supposed to compare our future husband to Jesus right? So after spontaneous boy hoped a plane back home across the Atlantic my life centered on school and spirituality. After 2 mission trips the following summer to group homes in east/central Africa, I started to appreciate the joy kids could bring. They brought joy out of me and they filled me up with it everyday. They were nothing less than a blessing God's own children, that He would let me serve them was an honor. But before i get too off track all the time with kids wasent making me any younger. I turned 27 when I was in Congo and was still very, very single. I was also coming to the realization that i was very, very old in African terms to be an unwed white woman. Still my soul was unmoved by the thought of marriage or having my own children with a husband.

About a month after i turned 27, still in Congo, with the oldest eligible bachelor being 20, I got a call from my brother, younger brother who was now engaged to his long term girlfriend. Surprised but overjoyed I congratulated him, of course upon sharing this wonderful news i was always faced with the question "And you?" "When is your time?" the answer was a faithful shrug of the shoulders, only God knows right. He can turn water to wine He can being me a husband wherever and whenever He pleases, but in my gut I wasn't entirely sure He would. A more than fit punishment for the sins I've committed in the romance department, lying, cheating, fighting I was pretty awful to some truly wonderful men.  Of course my friends would convince me I was wrong and that surely God was just waiting to unlock this wonderful heart of mine for the right man.

When I got back to the states, it seemed engagement and baby announcements were coming in like tidal waves. by now officially all my HS friends are hitched up and nearly all the college ones too. Even in the family, as of today I am now the only one in my generation (besides one playboy cousin my same age), not engaged or already married. So finally over the last few months, my soul has actually started to warm up to the idea of settling down, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I want to start my own family, here's the kicker. This "feeling" coincides, as many of you know, with the dramatic start to my dream career working in African development. How dramatic? In March I fly off to 27 months in one of the most remote parts of the world. Where I will likely live in a village hut with no electricity, which is fine b/c there is no prospective boy to Skype with anyways.

Life is funny but it certainly has nothing on God's sense of humor. Since I do feel ready for marriage and a life of purity from now until then I bought myself a ring with Psalm 37:4 inscribed on it, its not a diamond but to me its worth more. Its a symbol of a lifelong battle God's strength in me helped me overcome, its also a symbol of the hope I have for the new desires in my heart. Would I change anything? Sure there's some sins i wish I could take back but they are all a part of my story and like it or not that man God created for me is going to love me no matter what. I'm content in the waiting.

If Jesus could vote

Ok this has been building up for some time and I hope you my brothers and sisters find it a worthwhile read.

I am not a biblical scholar but using the fact that the Bible does not contradict itself and knowing God's character I have an argument against voting based on single issues. I urge anyone if you find this is not the biblical way please comment or let me know.

What I know is this, Jesus wouldn't vote for a candidate because they promise to make abortion ilegal.

God gave us free will, so why would he want leaders that pass more and more laws against extremely personal choices. I know he uses our missteps as much as our obedience to teach us about Him and strengthen us to be the people He created us to be. Taking choices away from people is the opposite of what God intended. He doesn't want someone forced or scared into any kind of obedience or righteousness. he only cares about our hearts and peoples actions may change when faced with coercion but never their hearts!

Jesus did not win souls by forcing them to act the way he did, so I don't know where the devout right wingers get off thinking that voting for candidates that promise to pass laws against things warned about in the bible is the way to go, it certainly isn't biblical. Jesus used prostitues for good things by treating them with love and respect like everyone else, by allowing them to make their own choices, he didn't spare Rahab's life by gathering a mob outside her house and yelling at her to close her legs until she listened! People I sincerely believe this is a stronghold for the devil. He's using these issues to divide us and he knows full well God does not want decisions of marriage and childbirth left to our political leaders or state law books  Oh and just a quick point on their inconsistency and we know God is not inconsistent, lest not forget also that greed is also a spelled out sin in the bible so why aren't the right wing candidates quick to bring up laws that would dispel that sin from our society? It is this self righteous, charade of religiosity that has so many people thinking Christians are hypocritical idiots, driving our friends father from us and farther from God.

Think about what your voting for, if your voting for someone because of their religion then the first thing you should be looking at is how much do they use it for their advantage (getting votes they otherwise wouldn't get) instead of God's glory, are the things in their campaign in line with God's view or their own personal feelings on issues? In my humble opinion liberal leaders have a better grasp of Christianity, and yes I do want a Christian leader but its not to push my personal beliefs on anyone or a selfish agenda its because I believe anyone truly trying to imitate Jesus is not going to be steer the country wrongly. They won't pass laws that alienate groups of my friends or make me think I'm no good because I have a past with seriously bad choices.

The bottom line is this, if you're a Christian it should be obvious that banning things we believe are sin is not how we should govern our country, its just not. It's not the example Christ gave us when he was here on earth, forbidding someone from doing things, forcing your opinion on them is not love! Loving one another was His primary command concerning community. 

Recovery

Although strong and independent she needs you
she needs to know she can be weak sometimes
allow her to bath her skin in the softness of your caressing arms
be her earthly comfort, let her cry, and be raw without any armor on
letting you know she is nothing without her Maker
If you can make her feel secure in those times, then she won't go far

What is more intimate than someone inhaling your burden as you exhale it out
as you sigh they see a cross to take up, not a problem to solve but a role to fill
in their biblical position as one who deserves a helper
He must also help when she needs, always giving, always understanding, one day it will be your turn
or will you chose the other one, the next one, the younger one, the red one.

I'll chose the one who can see beauty in the despair, make laughter follow the tears, and show love under the blackest night.

Feeling like a Failure

Is it true that some of us are stronger than others?

some of us can run longer or faster
some of us can carry more weight, take on more burdens
some of us dont feel like giving up as quickly some of us have more stamina
some of us have more perseverance

Is it true that some of us don't get defeated as easily? There are those who don't break down emotionally as often as others.

Their bodies can withstand more punishment and their mind has the endurance to, not just finish the race, but win it with honors.
But you might say their struggles are not the same.
After-all how do u compare first world problems to third? It's like crude oil and bottled water isn't it?

But these problems are only different on the outside, inside we face the same pain. heartbreak is heartbreak all over the world. failure is failure. rejection is rejection in each society there are those left on the outside. depression is depression. and suicide is a persons inability to win his internal struggle.

When we experience difficult times i'm convinced there is not much difference in our internal processing, the difference only lies in what our bodies see.

So cursed is the man who finds himself failing and living among rubbish, while also is the one living in luxury with no one to share it with, surely he has failed too.

What makes us different? one stronger one fitter, who determines who lives and who withers? is it God? ourselves? the Holy Spirit?

If I feel like a failure is that enough to write myself off? If I feel I've been forsaken what do I have to live for? If I know others feel the same or worse and I don't help them.... well how many of us would pull the trigger if we had access to the gun?

Is why relevant ?

Ever since algebra the question why has been the bane of my existence, and I'm sure many of you an relate. Now i'm turning to 'why' in the subject of psychology. We tell ourselves and our friends that you can't control who you love so if that's true should the question of why you love even be relevant?

How do you even begin to explain something you can't control or understand? Is the love you can explain different from the love you can't ? Are both of them from God, and if not which one might be our own doing? Even if we can come up with a list of qualities we love about a person chances are many people have these qualities too so is that really an answer? Now what about the people that we can't find a quality to name in fact they probably have a lot of tendencies that make us question how we even got to discover them but yet we still love. Does love need a reason to exist?

More important, if it doesn't give us a reason should we go searching for one?

Hall Pass

There's been alot of talk about excuses lately in my world. People wanting to be excused for their outbursts and allowed to break the rules because well they have a logical reason. but it shouldn't matter.

Let me explain a little better what I'm talking about here. many of my friends have had their bosses disrespect them or their partner neglect them and so I've hear them make excuses for the resulting behavior, whether a barrage of insults hurled at a manager or a cheating significant other they all have their reasons, their "hall pass" for behaving inappropriately.

I feel like God has given me words to say to these friends but as I'm talking I turn inward and let the mirror stay facing me.  Then on Sunday a pastor preached the message and that is where I am borrowing the term Hall Pass from. I am more guilty than most for this epidemic, I call it this because I feel its rampant in and out of the church we want to justify our bad actions we hate being wrong and even more being held accountable when it clearly was not our fault. I'll use a family member as an example, they had a terrible day at work and on top of it they were sick so when they yelled at some of their coworkers they had a million reasons why they deserved it but then at the end they said "well maybe if I hadn't been sick" I had to laugh. I thought you built such a case against them before your sickness even came into play you had no intention of keeping your composure once you saw that their actions justified you losing it. But here's the trap, it doesn't justify it and we are all kidding ourselves if we think it does and we are kidding others if we expect they truly sympathize with us.

Think about the last time someone someone told you how they "went off" on someone regardless of the reason wouldn't you resist telling them what a fool they sounded like because 1 you might be afraid you would be their next victim and 2 its just not easy to talk to someone about something so emotional they acted a fool in front of others. I should clarify that I am talking about instances in which we show no respect for ourselves or those around us. The basic premise is this: we can only control ourselves and people are going to disrespect us and do all sorts of terrible things to us in this life, my experience tells me that people are more likely to diminish your self worth when you do it first but even if we are a well respected individual somewhere down the line life will throw a not-so-nice person in our path.

So the point is this: (particularly if you are Christian but I urge everyone to try living this way)  We should not look for a Hall Pass we should act respectfully to ourselves and others at ALL times particularly when it is difficult to do so, those times when people least deserve our respect because they just carelessly pushed our feelings aside or because your having the worst week of your life at that moment you should be ensuring that your loving those around you more than you do on your best day. Its easy then its easy to respect your husband when they are working 60 hours a week but what about after they've collected unemployment for a year? Its simple to come in work on time and greet your boss when you know they love you and are giving you a promotion but what about when they haven't paid you in 3 weeks and haven't praised you for any work in even longer? I mean can't we all find something to "get us out of jail free" all the time if we really wanted. In my opinion that attitude will only lead us to more situations we need "excused" from.

I know my most recent life lesson is this, no person or circumstance can take away my right to love and respect myself and others. I'm sure i'll have failed at this a dozen or more times before the year is over but I have Jesus' grace so I will continue trying to avoid being a victim of my past or present circumstances. Good luck friends. 

DC

DC a place where people still smoke pipes

The only major metropolitian on the east coast where you will smell pipe smoke at 9am and 9pm walking down the sidewalk.

On special occasions top hats may abound. I wonder why

Why this transient modern wordly city sometimes clings to the past.

My thoughts are because in some ways it was a grander time.

worse things might have been happening but our lack of technology kept us in ignorance

now we can't hide, no one can

now most of those in the Capitol city are concerned with and working on the globe's most horrific tragedies

we can't shut our eyes so all we can do to escape now is take a quick break and evening off in costume where we pretend our ancestors didnt turn their backs on the founding ideals of freedom, equality, and justice.

fooling ourselves, consoling our souls, its all a weak attempt to keep our sanity.

kiss

Patience, relax.

that kiss will come

that passion will return

its one way, it's on the way 

capturing your lips 

grabbing me never to let go 

roughly make it rushed 

 force it, so i see it

can you feel it 

its leaving, not sparked

smothered with kindness 

kisses please what is this a new lease?

patience in waiting 

 

relax we are not there yet

when do you arrive, love?

never a min late or too soon  

  

just another love poem

finding that fine line between strength and femininity
I only find it in love
without love thinking ourselves super human never aware of what we lack, where we are vulnerable
a clever way to remind us of our less than super humanness

You can satisfy every need, even the comforts needed after dark
How do you take care of every lonely woman in the world?
I remember the times you stopped my tears, erased the scars
The few times you stung me with rejection to keep me safe and humble

When you wake me in the middle of the night just to have me without distraction
grabbing me by the hand whether we walk or dance or sing you always have what I need

thank you for making me smile and letting me linger in your love
Lord I'm yours forever.


 

God is AWE-some!

Please prayerfully consider a donation, I leave in 2 weeks!

Donate online to Meredith Thompson Midterm Mission 2012 at Razoo

Let the Walls Fall Down

I live a block away from the metro here in DC and on my walk home there was this path on one side was the pavilion area in front of the Safeway and the other a large covered fence kept us all from knowing what was on the other side. coming out of the store I would often walk the path between the fence and the metro elevator to take a slight shortcut home even though it was dark and creepy.

Well the other day I walked out and immediately took note of the beauty that was now uncovered. The fence had been hiding a beautiful field of bright green grass and flowers, it was now wide open for all to enjoy. People were walking through it, kids playing nearby and i slowed down my walk to take it all in as I passed by its side.

It was incredible that something once foreboding was now more than inviting and beautiful just by showing what was already there! Well I'm a single girl so I of course related it to my romantic life.

I'm open, some would say an open book, and it doesnt bother me that what you see is what you get. To me its beautiful, its not trying to cover anything up even the imperfections, even the vulnerabilities. It's beauty in its finest form. It does make you more apt to get hurt but I've never been one for playing it safe, why start with love? For me you can't achieve the most satisfaction from love until you are at your most vulnerable. When you tear off the band-aids of your last heartbreak exposing the wound to fresh air knowing it will either heal faster or start bleeding again. Now I know some people will be terrified at this thought, and remember I said nothing about how long that band-aid has been there, we must take time to grieve the end of a romance, but we also can't let those endings get in the way of the next beginning. 

It doesn't need to make you more careful or more defensive just stronger take that strength and apply it to the next task at hand whether love or something else, the lessons learned from expressing yourself and perhaps a little rejection will make you more beautiful, more confident, and more faithful. You'll learn quickly that Jesus is there to walk with you every step of the way, filling your soul when your body or mind seem to be lacking. In turn you learn that you can handle even the things you thought you never could.

Hey this is just one single girls opinion but I take as a motto living as if you'll die today and if that's the case I want people to know the honest feelings I have inside. Some people have gone not knowing how much I cared, or how much I appreciated them. I just pray that any pain endured from living this life exposed will be turned into glory for God. 

i should write

These hands have worked
They create things, they are full of joy and beauty
I see a renewed life in them

They are His of all the things to  turn over to Him
to remind myself that they are His and not mine
the body is the hardest

having worldly owners since a tender age i dont even feel it's mine to give
what would you say to heal the pain
Read the Book its full of joy and beauty

will it take my anguish
when I wonder why these feelings come into play
why i can't just play a little longer
kids called in before the streetlights come on
all grown now we sleep when the sunrises

see there's joy and beauty to be found in bringing light into the darkness
He goes before us protection and favor abound
there will be something waiting for us when we return
when our work is done

The Anomaly

I have something to say, what about what i want?

I've read a number of articles on the conversation that seems to have exploded b/c some Americans wanted to see a lot of inhumanity stopped. I think Teju Cole may have summed it up best in his Atlantic article, however I just think he forgot about a certain group of "do-gooders"- the selfish ones. I fall into that category, I want to live and work in Africa. I have wanted to since I was young, its hard to explain but sometimes you just feel drawn to something and know you will enjoy it before you start.

Now part of this backlash on Kony2012 -the white savior complex-suggests that no one but native africans should be concerned or be doing anything to better the conditions on the continent. Now why would someone tell me I cannot live or work somewhere because of something I can't help - like where I was born or the color of my skin? Now before I go any further I want to recognize that the white savior complex is very real and can and has caused great harm. My point is that some of us dont live and breath Africa because it gives us a warm fuzzy feeling or we feel some guilt from generations past or because we believe we can fix all its problems, some of us just want to do what we do here but do it in Africa.

I want to be a friend, sister, lover, and patriot -in Africa.  I want to work hard and learn from those around me and share my thoughts, I want to brighten someone's day, smile and sunbath -in Africa. I want to eat, laugh, have fun and dance -in Africa.

So I am going to Africa, I'm going where ever my God calls me and I am so thankful that, for now at least, it happens to be somewhere I selfishly want to be. I go with no expectations, I go with the same mind I would go anywhere, I go knowing the pitfalls and intricacies of the complex that plagues so many westerners and praying to keep my mind free and untangled of them. I go knowing my success depends on the success of those around me. I will carry with me my heart and passion for improving efficiency and equality to increase our human standard of living.

She knows

lying here another cold night alone not hearing her worth

not seeing it visible in his eyes

the silence tells her she's nothing

the floor knows her knees well and the ground runs with her tears even it is tired of wiping them away

knowing her worth but not believing in it,

believing instead that he will change

one day she will see herself in his eyes

its just not today....

Burnt Soul

i would do everything, but He says i dont have to do anything still you do nothing

We ripped, shredded, and trampled what God put together, far from keeping it together we shattered it along with my heart.

It's been months, many months, y am i still so weak? so feeble in faith and fun I must deserve to be miserable

I can waste away in my bed or his, either way its a waste filled with remnants of your fire

inside my heart, mind, and soul flames rage and suffocate my rationality

i've prayed i've fasted, i've prostrated and lasted.... until now

i scream for saving and you do nothing

never been too weak to save myself until now

so i let him throw punches, blow after blow to my sanity, my sense of self a pile of ashes

i welcome it i suppose, what else is a burnt soul good for

like a burnt house it wil be vandalized, gutted and soon removed from the earth

so i wait til my prayer is answered or you both return to sanity or my Savior comes

Better Life

You were the one,

you held a promise of a better life,

for me and for you,

We would have soared through the night sky

would have found ourselves on cloud 9

I want that better life

dreams of the stars and all that you are

a destiny made far from here or there

its my only regret

whats left of the better life?

nothing but the chance to settle for second best

if i knew it would cost this much

well, what would i do

if i knew the price for ur pain

what would u ask me to do?

give up on this life?

subordinate

the price to pay for betraying urself and ur maker is unbearable

your pride got in the way of our destiny now mine is there to make amends incongruent

why cant we see the tears in His eyes, and stop focusing on our own

you made this mistake so y should i be the one to clean it up

you lead me right off the path with you

we both went our separate ways

Does divinity have them intersect again?

do you have the courage to find out? cause I don't

now instead of fighting for whats right i cling to what is wrong

its pain distracts me from the scars you left

and now if tears are shed they are for someone else

everything has been slated to keep us apart but i cant let go

the only thing u left me with was a need to be filled a life to live without you

prayers unanswered or prayed for the foolish, stubborn man?

blind pride beat blind faith and now the price to pay

one you can afford but has bankrupt me

surely things less righteous have been resurrected and revived

but the fates have left this in your hands

will you let it perish and return to dust?

what has come to pass

everything changes, everything grows and then everything dies...

I am no exception,

looking back I see some pillars have remained in me amidst all the changes

passion, spirituality, strength, protection, curiosity, reasoning, and sacrifice.

whatever my flavor of the time im greatly passionate about it

spirituality and the belief in ethics, good, and love conquering all the darkness has been paramount

as privileged as i have been in life some episodes required great strength physical, mental, and emotional, and i always found it within me to carry on

sometimes i needed to protect those worth saving, family or friends, most of the time i needed protection and most of the time someone was watching out for me

curiosity is in my nature, i wont let anything stop me from attaining the knowledge i want, thankfully i've had the freedom to do attain it

to be true to myself i must reason through the lastest trend to not be a sheep, but to give real meaning to my life and my actions

finally sacrifice, its been necessary to achieve, if only temporarily, the greatest gifts whether love, wealth, or fame that you seek sacrifice is the only way to achieve the best of these honors.

I believe the greatest love comes from the greatest sacrifice, some relations have been very easy no drama no fighting they seem to know what u want or need before you do but certainly there will be a time when you need to reason or sacrifice to overcome a problem.

Other relations are constantly filled with arguments, trust issues, and the like that you need constant communication, understanding and sacrifice on a daily basis.

most people give up on both of these and settle, settle for something they can live in without ever confronting anything, settle for someone that doesnt take a stand because they dont even feel you're worth any sacrifice. I've always been one to put it all on the line, go all in and sacrifice substantially its always paid off, i have few regrets and those that i do, well i would regret not trying more.