A prayer of hope for love

Our love has been through the fire

It might be all we say, more than ups and downs

the transformative power of fire has given it a strength surpassing human knowledge

it started out sloppy, it has been everything love shouldn't be....

but its has overcome all of that and more

holding onto simple things like your laugh and my touch

God changed two people wholly and by that many more bystanders

I used to want a picture perfect love but I'm glad I have a real one

Happy we didn't give up because only until you go to the ends of the earth do you know who will follow you there.

In the fire we still stand striving for perfection

One day it will cool, a beacon of hope a testament of His power. 

silent confessions

Addicted to love for most of her life, she asks

How can abuse work its way into a pure life?

How can I stand on a soapbox at work and be speechless at home?

Why is no one allowed to hear the screams or see the moisture fall down her face?

Half Open, Half Broken

wish I had the one track mind of a man.

All my mind is concerned with is the last thing I said to you...

Its just like a woman to cry her eyes out and not even know why.

Just like the weaker sex to want a man that doesn't treat her right.

The curse of eve, and its funny to me, how every detail of our life is worked out in advance

But we can't beat the deadline, we can't catch a sneak peek

We just have to settle down and hope they don't sneak

In this jumbled up mess theres a story, a heart, half open and half broken

Some of us know what it is to fall out of line to never be understood, never loved the way we should

Its a torrential rain this mess of mine, I can't keep the tears back long enough to shout so drowned out like the muzak on an elevator I stay in the rain.

If love can't make you happy what can? water falling on your skin? the touch of a stranger again?

where is love in understanding?

These riddles, these test questions, they aren't helping anyone, but what's the solution then?

Make yourself miserable for love, no, I mean the one you love should put up with being miserable for awhile, I mean if you ask them nicely right? isn't that where the saying "misery loves company" came from? yea I bet it came out of love...

Stupid, senseless, fools rush in kind of love. better not to say it only show it and feel it saying it only makes it fake. What was it? the last thing I said to you?

"I love you."

Engage-ing

Well I guess its that time of year... or life when people get engaged to marry. I vaguely remember this from years past when i was often staggering from bar to bar each holiday season, being estranged from my family and the newly hired runt in a Fortune 500 investment bank didn't make for the happiest of holiday seasons.... Anyway in 2011 I was reconciled with family and back in church, I was also 25 with still no desire to settle down. frankly none of this has crossed my mind until i sat down to write this bit of happy holiday observation. I was in love from time to time but never spurred to make a trip to the courthouse (despite one out of nowhere proposal to do so after a graduate class in DC one evening).

Of course now God was involved in the picking so my standards changed, we are supposed to compare our future husband to Jesus right? So after spontaneous boy hoped a plane back home across the Atlantic my life centered on school and spirituality. After 2 mission trips the following summer to group homes in east/central Africa, I started to appreciate the joy kids could bring. They brought joy out of me and they filled me up with it everyday. They were nothing less than a blessing God's own children, that He would let me serve them was an honor. But before i get too off track all the time with kids wasent making me any younger. I turned 27 when I was in Congo and was still very, very single. I was also coming to the realization that i was very, very old in African terms to be an unwed white woman. Still my soul was unmoved by the thought of marriage or having my own children with a husband.

About a month after i turned 27, still in Congo, with the oldest eligible bachelor being 20, I got a call from my brother, younger brother who was now engaged to his long term girlfriend. Surprised but overjoyed I congratulated him, of course upon sharing this wonderful news i was always faced with the question "And you?" "When is your time?" the answer was a faithful shrug of the shoulders, only God knows right. He can turn water to wine He can being me a husband wherever and whenever He pleases, but in my gut I wasn't entirely sure He would. A more than fit punishment for the sins I've committed in the romance department, lying, cheating, fighting I was pretty awful to some truly wonderful men.  Of course my friends would convince me I was wrong and that surely God was just waiting to unlock this wonderful heart of mine for the right man.

When I got back to the states, it seemed engagement and baby announcements were coming in like tidal waves. by now officially all my HS friends are hitched up and nearly all the college ones too. Even in the family, as of today I am now the only one in my generation (besides one playboy cousin my same age), not engaged or already married. So finally over the last few months, my soul has actually started to warm up to the idea of settling down, and I can honestly say for the first time in my life I want to start my own family, here's the kicker. This "feeling" coincides, as many of you know, with the dramatic start to my dream career working in African development. How dramatic? In March I fly off to 27 months in one of the most remote parts of the world. Where I will likely live in a village hut with no electricity, which is fine b/c there is no prospective boy to Skype with anyways.

Life is funny but it certainly has nothing on God's sense of humor. Since I do feel ready for marriage and a life of purity from now until then I bought myself a ring with Psalm 37:4 inscribed on it, its not a diamond but to me its worth more. Its a symbol of a lifelong battle God's strength in me helped me overcome, its also a symbol of the hope I have for the new desires in my heart. Would I change anything? Sure there's some sins i wish I could take back but they are all a part of my story and like it or not that man God created for me is going to love me no matter what. I'm content in the waiting.

If Jesus could vote

Ok this has been building up for some time and I hope you my brothers and sisters find it a worthwhile read.

I am not a biblical scholar but using the fact that the Bible does not contradict itself and knowing God's character I have an argument against voting based on single issues. I urge anyone if you find this is not the biblical way please comment or let me know.

What I know is this, Jesus wouldn't vote for a candidate because they promise to make abortion ilegal.

God gave us free will, so why would he want leaders that pass more and more laws against extremely personal choices. I know he uses our missteps as much as our obedience to teach us about Him and strengthen us to be the people He created us to be. Taking choices away from people is the opposite of what God intended. He doesn't want someone forced or scared into any kind of obedience or righteousness. he only cares about our hearts and peoples actions may change when faced with coercion but never their hearts!

Jesus did not win souls by forcing them to act the way he did, so I don't know where the devout right wingers get off thinking that voting for candidates that promise to pass laws against things warned about in the bible is the way to go, it certainly isn't biblical. Jesus used prostitues for good things by treating them with love and respect like everyone else, by allowing them to make their own choices, he didn't spare Rahab's life by gathering a mob outside her house and yelling at her to close her legs until she listened! People I sincerely believe this is a stronghold for the devil. He's using these issues to divide us and he knows full well God does not want decisions of marriage and childbirth left to our political leaders or state law books  Oh and just a quick point on their inconsistency and we know God is not inconsistent, lest not forget also that greed is also a spelled out sin in the bible so why aren't the right wing candidates quick to bring up laws that would dispel that sin from our society? It is this self righteous, charade of religiosity that has so many people thinking Christians are hypocritical idiots, driving our friends father from us and farther from God.

Think about what your voting for, if your voting for someone because of their religion then the first thing you should be looking at is how much do they use it for their advantage (getting votes they otherwise wouldn't get) instead of God's glory, are the things in their campaign in line with God's view or their own personal feelings on issues? In my humble opinion liberal leaders have a better grasp of Christianity, and yes I do want a Christian leader but its not to push my personal beliefs on anyone or a selfish agenda its because I believe anyone truly trying to imitate Jesus is not going to be steer the country wrongly. They won't pass laws that alienate groups of my friends or make me think I'm no good because I have a past with seriously bad choices.

The bottom line is this, if you're a Christian it should be obvious that banning things we believe are sin is not how we should govern our country, its just not. It's not the example Christ gave us when he was here on earth, forbidding someone from doing things, forcing your opinion on them is not love! Loving one another was His primary command concerning community. 

Recovery

Although strong and independent she needs you
she needs to know she can be weak sometimes
allow her to bath her skin in the softness of your caressing arms
be her earthly comfort, let her cry, and be raw without any armor on
letting you know she is nothing without her Maker
If you can make her feel secure in those times, then she won't go far

What is more intimate than someone inhaling your burden as you exhale it out
as you sigh they see a cross to take up, not a problem to solve but a role to fill
in their biblical position as one who deserves a helper
He must also help when she needs, always giving, always understanding, one day it will be your turn
or will you chose the other one, the next one, the younger one, the red one.

I'll chose the one who can see beauty in the despair, make laughter follow the tears, and show love under the blackest night.

Feeling like a Failure

Is it true that some of us are stronger than others?

some of us can run longer or faster
some of us can carry more weight, take on more burdens
some of us dont feel like giving up as quickly some of us have more stamina
some of us have more perseverance

Is it true that some of us don't get defeated as easily? There are those who don't break down emotionally as often as others.

Their bodies can withstand more punishment and their mind has the endurance to, not just finish the race, but win it with honors.
But you might say their struggles are not the same.
After-all how do u compare first world problems to third? It's like crude oil and bottled water isn't it?

But these problems are only different on the outside, inside we face the same pain. heartbreak is heartbreak all over the world. failure is failure. rejection is rejection in each society there are those left on the outside. depression is depression. and suicide is a persons inability to win his internal struggle.

When we experience difficult times i'm convinced there is not much difference in our internal processing, the difference only lies in what our bodies see.

So cursed is the man who finds himself failing and living among rubbish, while also is the one living in luxury with no one to share it with, surely he has failed too.

What makes us different? one stronger one fitter, who determines who lives and who withers? is it God? ourselves? the Holy Spirit?

If I feel like a failure is that enough to write myself off? If I feel I've been forsaken what do I have to live for? If I know others feel the same or worse and I don't help them.... well how many of us would pull the trigger if we had access to the gun?