The Good Life in Pretoria

When I saw the massive, high end malls in Pretoria I had a lot of mixed feelings part of me felt happy to see familiar sights and knowing that Africans were able to shop and enjoy the money they have to buy the things they want and not just need. Then I also felt shocked that this luxury is here on the same continent so close to the poorest of the poor Gucci is still open for business.

      

  More importantly I wondered how the Nigerians I was with felt when they saw such a thing knowing how their upbringing was mired in desperate poverty. Here is a few responses a got after much pleading for insight, but truly it seems they don't think much about this dichotomy between living in excess and without. One said "It made me hate my country." To fully understand this you have to know a bit about Nigeria, it's oil wealth and the political corruption, but even without the history lesson though you can see that it breeds a bit of contempt because he knows his country has the money but it is not being used for these things that improve the lives of the masses. That begs the question are shopping malls a sign of improved quality of life? For some perhaps most obviously those of us raised in the mini mall-Walmart-shopping center madness that is America you may be inclined to say no or not necessarily. That was my first reaction, "no don't just replicate America!" Then my other friend spoke he had just arrived from Nigeria only 7 months earlier and it was his first time living anywhere else. His background is more typical orphaned losing both his parents by age 15 they did invest what they could to make their children's future bright nd with that and the help of his sisters nd brother in laws he was able to finish college obtaining a bachelors degree. When I talked to him about the vast differences in South Africa compared to his home his immediate response was "Everyplace should be like this, everywhere, everyone should be able to live like this, enjoying life, able to buy what they want with their money, in Nigeria even if you have money you can't get some things." After further discussion we came to the point that it means freedom, maybe it's in a hellish form of a mall; the lazy escalators, sensory overload neon signs can make one nauseated at times make available certain freedoms that simply don't exist otherwise. Now wouldn't it be great if we could learn to develop ourselves in true freedom and break free from materialism having the freedom to buy what we choose but remembering what is really worth our time and money will never be found in a store. 

Missing America

Missing home

Talking to my dad the other day I told him some things I missed about home, it was nothing you can fit in a care package so I thought it'd make a good blog entry. After nearly 5 months away

1) I will never again mock the fact that there is literally a Starbucks or other coffee shop on every corner of American streets. I miss having coffee prepared for me even if I have to pay for it! It's not even an option here in the village fahgettaboutit but even in town centers you may be lucky to find one place that serves it and there's a good chance they will run out they day you are running on fumes!

2) ive said this one a lot before but it's worth repeating, running water. For showers, washing dishes, and hands. It's probably silly but I feel the water pressure actually adds to the cleaning. 

3) restaurants - it's the epitome of irony that where it takes the most energy to make food there is the least caloric food made available. Having one meal at Applebee's here would provide the calories they need to make the other two meals of the day, collecting and chopping firewood, blowing on burning embers until fire roars, for a bowl of soup or a heap of fufu it all requires more calories than will be consumed. At least it feels like it. 

4) refrigeration - going off the last one - you can't even save the food for more than a day after all the work to start the fire and cook. If you want something like meat well you either invite the neighbors or bargain for the smallest portion worth buying.

5) affordable postpaid cell plans- the prepaid units are expensive, environmentally wasteful and just plain inconvenient! 

6) diversity - I've mentioned this in previous posts but I really miss being able to talk with or see people from all over the world on a daily basis, without looking for some "ex pat" community hangout in a city hours away. 

7) physical freedom - I can't hold the hand of a guy friend let alone give them a hug. I can't ask someone to massage my shoulders. I can't even say out loud what I really feel half the time. It's as if displaying any negativity is a sign of the devil. No wonder nothing gets fixed how can it when you don't recognize problems? It has to be an international priority to get in the mind if a Malawian. 

8) not sleeping under a mosquito net! It's just annoying tucking and returning every time u want to get up or lay down!

9) cars and driving laws- yes our traffic is a nightmare but imagine commutes on bicycles or foot as the only option! while the option to ride or walk is nice to have like major cities on the east coast have public bike share programs and trains that can give you a pleasurable walk from the station to your office. It's not the same as going weeks without even seeing a car! And when you do ride in one knowing you'll be comfortable and not packed like a sardine (except maybe that morning commute hour on the DC metro) =)

10) last but not least indoor toilets with actual toilet seats! Yep topping off the list something's just shouldn't have to be done in places where insects are buzzing and crawling. Some things require a certain degree of comfort. Enough said.

Nothing new

Nothing new 

I never ask them to stay and they always go

All the thrills are gone

The tears stay and my vision is always blurred 

An unbearable feeling, a fleeting comfort 

Like a goodbye kiss 

but you know you'll never see them again

Like watching cartoons as an adult u know they are just illusions

Imaginary unreal

They can't keep you anymore than you can hold water in your hands

But when one just wants to hold your hand 

Little girl doesn't know what to do 

Older men scare me because they know what they do

How to melt our little hearts and lead us into temptation 

But your wisdom is not in years 

I don't know where it  is, I only know my heart starts to flutter when you talk to me, 

I'm speechless when I look in your eyes.  

A grown woman shy in a young mans shadow 

The silence says more than Shakespeare wrote

The bard didn't know the women's side of love

One of fathers not mothers 

Abandonment, inferiority, domination, and fear.

Never knowing when they should stay or go

Can she even chose

It's a mans world isn't it

No one would listen had she said a word 

No one but you young man 

A new generation ready to cherish that which is not new but old

Old as Eve, an imperfect helper for you imperfect man

A good, pure heart

A good pure heart

Few know this bit about my past but I am ready to share now. As time in a village gives lots of time to think. 

but a man of God in my beloved Nigeria once said "she has a good pure heart and if it is deceived it will no longer be pure." This was in 2011. 

That friend never deceived me although those words left him scared to stay in a position where he potentially could. 

Well my heart turned to my work since then and away from anyone or anything that would deceive me, or so I thought. 

A heart, one that strangers can see, and is open to the people God loves most, is a burden as much as it is a blessing. My life would be dull and meaningless without my heart for orphans and impoverished people. Without knowledge of the injustice and my will to fight it with my life, my heart would not even belong with me.

This heart brings joys beyond compare, it bears witness to hope in front of the hopeless, it loves the rejected and forgotten and finds comfort in the giggles of children. Pure in intention good in action. 

But with all of that comes some discomfort 

It's weighed down by miscommunication, by deep corrupt eyes.

It's easily deceived and numb to hurt

It's burden is to remain light in darkness 

To keep warmth in the absence of heat

To see the demands of billions falling on the shoulders of just a few thousand

And ache felt for those left behind and those already gone...

It's a burden just narrowly outweighed by the elation. 

The heart celebrated for a day and then silenced for decades

It beats against the wind, weary and prejudged

It's harder to understand than the "latest and greatest" gadget guide

Showing strength in front of malnourished, neglected children, composure in front of the ignorant....

Patience at the end of the day for the little ones to come and take what love they can

Its solidarity with a small network spread wide across the globe only virtually sending hugs and kisses not often enough providing a shoulder to lean on. 

And so at night it's tears fall unheard and unseen, invisible 

It's hopelessly hopeful

Unafraid when it should be chained up

Seeking pain elsewhere not where it matters not where it's unknown 

It can't chase all the dreams if it had 3 lifetimes but with a helper well... maybe

But for now this heart works alone

More than a feeling

It was more than a feeling 

More than love
A resting place, a knowing deep in the soul,  stomach and mind. 
A search ended, no questions remained
Should've told you to stay, sleeping on the courtroom steps.
We both failed to see it at the time  
Letting something, not someone tear us apart                                 
As my quarter life crises came to a  close not a pisces but a bull i found, your passion second only to our saviors 
A match made in heaven 
I should've insisted you stay
I shouldnt have gone  
Whats an explorer without a quest?  
How will I know when I've arrived? I've been here before but I cannot return without you.             
New questions arise but no new answers                            

 Are you surprised?  We both knew it was more than a feeling.

A heretics letter

Why have you not vindicated us lord? Your faithful servants with hearts so pure they can be seen from heaven. Where is that again?

How can we believe when hezbollah and boko haram make headlines day after day killing in your name. Yes we had mother teresa but if the bad outweighs the good then whats the point of faith? You seldom come on time and the deepest wounds we carry come from your greatest commandmants. Love thy neighbor. Love thy lord. We get the least of love killed in your house, rejected on your mission. Tell me why i should keep my faith in you. The people that love you have shown hatred to me. Those claiming you as their lord are not adhereing ur word and still...

They make the most money, have the most friends and have no bad luck.  We are lacking we are toiling as if still in genesis. Then strangers come to kill us.
A new disease a new bomb. If you wanted us in heaven dont u have a better way? I can think of several... reasons why we shouldnt believe u are sovreign.  The wars big and small wgaed constantlg on this forsaken rock in the universe, the babies hunger cries, the childless wife, the suicidal/murderous teen. Where mother theresa stops they find their glory, vindication and truth. While we are stupidly still waiting for ours.

-a heretic

A Thought

Here's a thought

No really it's just one

He's screaming "I want to marry you!" when all you want to hear is a husband

He's saying "why are we using condoms?" When you already feel like a mom

Then the bed is built and soon the house will be complete, a new nuptial, a new niece

Where is the future? We here is the change when that baby girl is grown at 15

She already feels like a mom

Now this man is screaming at her "I will marry you!" A new bed but same face 

There's no way this baby girl could win the race

16 and the due date is here... A husband, perhaps, he might come back if its a boy.... Her mother always told her a boy can take care of you, now she knows for sure her mother wasn't really a mom after all 

she was just another girl laying in a bed like hers, playing house with her daughters life

She rubs her belly whispering to whoever is listening "please be a boy, I need someone to take care of me" baby boy what are you going to do 

When it's your turn you will lie down too and make a third 

Too early, with one too young cause well she reminds you of your mom and they get along

You wouldn't listen anyway and now the future is light years away

Just one thought away, one beyond "this is what my momma did"

These dreams

Can't believe, no, I don't want to believe that I am here again
Same bed same room and same broken dreams

These dreams sit on the shelf daring to fly whenever the chance permits only to crash on the floor cover bent and pages torn

These dreams have been replaced by others more tangible more within reach more easily controlled not bending to the whims of men

Only fluttering like butterfly wings these dreams can't fly

Not alone

These dreams are you
You dream of me These dreams that can never come true

Why not pick up a different book begin to build on that this one is beat up 

These dreams you know so well will always be on the shelf 
If you only leave them there

I'll go

How many times have I said I'll go and be fine?

I'll leave and everything will be alright

You're better off without me.

Instead of asking for help instead of fitting comfortably in the life laid out for me.

Nights spent tossing in the sheets

Hours spent in tears on the slight chance they would fall into meaning.

staying put is like a square peg in a round hole

Taking the jet is putting whiteout on a Van Gogh

So it stands my ride is either a childhood travesty or an artistic disaster

A prayer of hope for love

Our love has been through the fire

It might be all we say, more than ups and downs

the transformative power of fire has given it a strength surpassing human knowledge

it started out sloppy, it has been everything love shouldn't be....

but its has overcome all of that and more

holding onto simple things like your laugh and my touch

God changed two people wholly and by that many more bystanders

I used to want a picture perfect love but I'm glad I have a real one

Happy we didn't give up because only until you go to the ends of the earth do you know who will follow you there.

In the fire we still stand striving for perfection

One day it will cool, a beacon of hope a testament of His power. 

silent confessions

Addicted to love for most of her life, she asks

How can abuse work its way into a pure life?

How can I stand on a soapbox at work and be speechless at home?

Why is no one allowed to hear the screams or see the moisture fall down her face?

Half Open, Half Broken

wish I had the one track mind of a man.

All my mind is concerned with is the last thing I said to you...

Its just like a woman to cry her eyes out and not even know why.

Just like the weaker sex to want a man that doesn't treat her right.

The curse of eve, and its funny to me, how every detail of our life is worked out in advance

But we can't beat the deadline, we can't catch a sneak peek

We just have to settle down and hope they don't sneak

In this jumbled up mess theres a story, a heart, half open and half broken

Some of us know what it is to fall out of line to never be understood, never loved the way we should

Its a torrential rain this mess of mine, I can't keep the tears back long enough to shout so drowned out like the muzak on an elevator I stay in the rain.

If love can't make you happy what can? water falling on your skin? the touch of a stranger again?

where is love in understanding?

These riddles, these test questions, they aren't helping anyone, but what's the solution then?

Make yourself miserable for love, no, I mean the one you love should put up with being miserable for awhile, I mean if you ask them nicely right? isn't that where the saying "misery loves company" came from? yea I bet it came out of love...

Stupid, senseless, fools rush in kind of love. better not to say it only show it and feel it saying it only makes it fake. What was it? the last thing I said to you?

"I love you."