Nothing new

Nothing new 

I never ask them to stay and they always go

All the thrills are gone

The tears stay and my vision is always blurred 

An unbearable feeling, a fleeting comfort 

Like a goodbye kiss 

but you know you'll never see them again

Like watching cartoons as an adult u know they are just illusions

Imaginary unreal

They can't keep you anymore than you can hold water in your hands

But when one just wants to hold your hand 

Little girl doesn't know what to do 

Older men scare me because they know what they do

How to melt our little hearts and lead us into temptation 

But your wisdom is not in years 

I don't know where it  is, I only know my heart starts to flutter when you talk to me, 

I'm speechless when I look in your eyes.  

A grown woman shy in a young mans shadow 

The silence says more than Shakespeare wrote

The bard didn't know the women's side of love

One of fathers not mothers 

Abandonment, inferiority, domination, and fear.

Never knowing when they should stay or go

Can she even chose

It's a mans world isn't it

No one would listen had she said a word 

No one but you young man 

A new generation ready to cherish that which is not new but old

Old as Eve, an imperfect helper for you imperfect man

A good, pure heart

A good pure heart

Few know this bit about my past but I am ready to share now. As time in a village gives lots of time to think. 

but a man of God in my beloved Nigeria once said "she has a good pure heart and if it is deceived it will no longer be pure." This was in 2011. 

That friend never deceived me although those words left him scared to stay in a position where he potentially could. 

Well my heart turned to my work since then and away from anyone or anything that would deceive me, or so I thought. 

A heart, one that strangers can see, and is open to the people God loves most, is a burden as much as it is a blessing. My life would be dull and meaningless without my heart for orphans and impoverished people. Without knowledge of the injustice and my will to fight it with my life, my heart would not even belong with me.

This heart brings joys beyond compare, it bears witness to hope in front of the hopeless, it loves the rejected and forgotten and finds comfort in the giggles of children. Pure in intention good in action. 

But with all of that comes some discomfort 

It's weighed down by miscommunication, by deep corrupt eyes.

It's easily deceived and numb to hurt

It's burden is to remain light in darkness 

To keep warmth in the absence of heat

To see the demands of billions falling on the shoulders of just a few thousand

And ache felt for those left behind and those already gone...

It's a burden just narrowly outweighed by the elation. 

The heart celebrated for a day and then silenced for decades

It beats against the wind, weary and prejudged

It's harder to understand than the "latest and greatest" gadget guide

Showing strength in front of malnourished, neglected children, composure in front of the ignorant....

Patience at the end of the day for the little ones to come and take what love they can

Its solidarity with a small network spread wide across the globe only virtually sending hugs and kisses not often enough providing a shoulder to lean on. 

And so at night it's tears fall unheard and unseen, invisible 

It's hopelessly hopeful

Unafraid when it should be chained up

Seeking pain elsewhere not where it matters not where it's unknown 

It can't chase all the dreams if it had 3 lifetimes but with a helper well... maybe

But for now this heart works alone

More than a feeling

It was more than a feeling 

More than love
A resting place, a knowing deep in the soul,  stomach and mind. 
A search ended, no questions remained
Should've told you to stay, sleeping on the courtroom steps.
We both failed to see it at the time  
Letting something, not someone tear us apart                                 
As my quarter life crises came to a  close not a pisces but a bull i found, your passion second only to our saviors 
A match made in heaven 
I should've insisted you stay
I shouldnt have gone  
Whats an explorer without a quest?  
How will I know when I've arrived? I've been here before but I cannot return without you.             
New questions arise but no new answers                            

 Are you surprised?  We both knew it was more than a feeling.

A heretics letter

Why have you not vindicated us lord? Your faithful servants with hearts so pure they can be seen from heaven. Where is that again?

How can we believe when hezbollah and boko haram make headlines day after day killing in your name. Yes we had mother teresa but if the bad outweighs the good then whats the point of faith? You seldom come on time and the deepest wounds we carry come from your greatest commandmants. Love thy neighbor. Love thy lord. We get the least of love killed in your house, rejected on your mission. Tell me why i should keep my faith in you. The people that love you have shown hatred to me. Those claiming you as their lord are not adhereing ur word and still...

They make the most money, have the most friends and have no bad luck.  We are lacking we are toiling as if still in genesis. Then strangers come to kill us.
A new disease a new bomb. If you wanted us in heaven dont u have a better way? I can think of several... reasons why we shouldnt believe u are sovreign.  The wars big and small wgaed constantlg on this forsaken rock in the universe, the babies hunger cries, the childless wife, the suicidal/murderous teen. Where mother theresa stops they find their glory, vindication and truth. While we are stupidly still waiting for ours.

-a heretic

A Thought

Here's a thought

No really it's just one

He's screaming "I want to marry you!" when all you want to hear is a husband

He's saying "why are we using condoms?" When you already feel like a mom

Then the bed is built and soon the house will be complete, a new nuptial, a new niece

Where is the future? We here is the change when that baby girl is grown at 15

She already feels like a mom

Now this man is screaming at her "I will marry you!" A new bed but same face 

There's no way this baby girl could win the race

16 and the due date is here... A husband, perhaps, he might come back if its a boy.... Her mother always told her a boy can take care of you, now she knows for sure her mother wasn't really a mom after all 

she was just another girl laying in a bed like hers, playing house with her daughters life

She rubs her belly whispering to whoever is listening "please be a boy, I need someone to take care of me" baby boy what are you going to do 

When it's your turn you will lie down too and make a third 

Too early, with one too young cause well she reminds you of your mom and they get along

You wouldn't listen anyway and now the future is light years away

Just one thought away, one beyond "this is what my momma did"

These dreams

Can't believe, no, I don't want to believe that I am here again
Same bed same room and same broken dreams

These dreams sit on the shelf daring to fly whenever the chance permits only to crash on the floor cover bent and pages torn

These dreams have been replaced by others more tangible more within reach more easily controlled not bending to the whims of men

Only fluttering like butterfly wings these dreams can't fly

Not alone

These dreams are you
You dream of me These dreams that can never come true

Why not pick up a different book begin to build on that this one is beat up 

These dreams you know so well will always be on the shelf 
If you only leave them there

I'll go

How many times have I said I'll go and be fine?

I'll leave and everything will be alright

You're better off without me.

Instead of asking for help instead of fitting comfortably in the life laid out for me.

Nights spent tossing in the sheets

Hours spent in tears on the slight chance they would fall into meaning.

staying put is like a square peg in a round hole

Taking the jet is putting whiteout on a Van Gogh

So it stands my ride is either a childhood travesty or an artistic disaster