Wings

Thought I was strong you proved me wrong

Believed I could fly, but you were my wings

Better just to leave me on the ground where I can be found again

Who I am

Here in the 2am darkness I remembered who I am. While persons and circumstance tried to have me forget, I remember.

I am the girl born to 3rd generation immigrant parents, the first in my family to finish a four year degree

I started university when I was 17

I am the one who went out of state when everyone said we couldn't afford it, I got scholarships and I stayed on the dean's list making a 3.8 GPA in my economics major, economics people!

I am the girl who survived devastating breakups, not the least of which my parents marriage

I started my first full time job 3 days after graduating

I am the girl who landed an analyst role at one of the 10 largest banks in the world even though I was not an alumni of their target schools less than 6 months after graduating

The same girl who went on to be the shining star of that 2007 analyst class

The one who beat 2 addictions by the age of 22

I am one who kept her job through the crisis despite being one of the last hired

I am the girl who moved to that new place knowing no one, when people said she must have a boyfriend there she can't go alone....

The girl that turned that once unknown city into so many deep, and meaningful friendships that continue despite a vast distance between us

I am the one that held two committee posts and still got my 9-5 work done before my team members

I am the one who at one point had two jobs and two graduate classes to attend to

I am the girl who followed her spirit when it said go to a former war zone and help, and do it in a foreign language

I am the girl who put herself in harms way more times than I can count only to be restored each time by God

I am the one who went to live in the poorest places, when people asked why would you want to do that....

I am the women who now has 2 little girls and not much else but I will never forget who I am.

Christians v.

Somewhere along the way we went wildly off track. We nearly lost an entire generation because of a few words. Somehow the message went from "I strive to be" to "I am" and that landed us in a world of trouble. A world of hypocrisy, of terror, of apathy, a world of hate slowly pushing out all love.

No one knows when it happened or who did it. The devil had his hand in I'm sure but we allowed it.

When I came back to my Christian faith in 2011 after a decade long hiatus I resigned myself to being labeled all sorts of things again, not least of which was hypocrite. A word that cuts deep, and to someone like me who prides herself on being a genuine person it's an even harder pill to swallow, hence the hiatus.

I didn't understand it though, it seemed like everyone Christians and atheists alike accepted that Christian was synonymous with hypocrite.  It didn't make sense to me and now I know why. we mixed up 6 little words.

When we study the Bible we learn the 10 commandments and the fruits of the spirit and those of evil(sins). We also learn that we are imperfect and can never achieve perfection, ergo we cannot always bear the fruits of good, at times we are going to sin. So then why would anyone ever go around saying I am waiting until marriage, I am honest, I am self-controlled, I am forgiving, I am humble, I am always joyful. When we have already been told we cannot be all of these things at all times. It seems to me that if we all, Bible believers and everyone else, replaced "I am" with "I strive to be"we can remove the label of hypocrite from our churches.

I don't know a single person who can say they have never lost control of themselves or have never told even a white lie, or hasn't held onto bitterness from something in the past. If you claim to be that person well I believe the saint badges get handed out in heaven so no sense in talking like that while you're here on earth unless you're fond of the word hypocrite.

For myself I strive to be everything Jesus was, and God knows I'm going to fall very, very short very much of the time so please my Christian brethren and everyone who has to deal with me I beg your pardon when I do not live up to what I strive to be.

I strive to be loving, joyful, peaceful, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled.

The Good Life in Pretoria

When I saw the massive, high end malls in Pretoria I had a lot of mixed feelings part of me felt happy to see familiar sights and knowing that Africans were able to shop and enjoy the money they have to buy the things they want and not just need. Then I also felt shocked that this luxury is here on the same continent so close to the poorest of the poor Gucci is still open for business.

      

  More importantly I wondered how the Nigerians I was with felt when they saw such a thing knowing how their upbringing was mired in desperate poverty. Here is a few responses a got after much pleading for insight, but truly it seems they don't think much about this dichotomy between living in excess and without. One said "It made me hate my country." To fully understand this you have to know a bit about Nigeria, it's oil wealth and the political corruption, but even without the history lesson though you can see that it breeds a bit of contempt because he knows his country has the money but it is not being used for these things that improve the lives of the masses. That begs the question are shopping malls a sign of improved quality of life? For some perhaps most obviously those of us raised in the mini mall-Walmart-shopping center madness that is America you may be inclined to say no or not necessarily. That was my first reaction, "no don't just replicate America!" Then my other friend spoke he had just arrived from Nigeria only 7 months earlier and it was his first time living anywhere else. His background is more typical orphaned losing both his parents by age 15 they did invest what they could to make their children's future bright nd with that and the help of his sisters nd brother in laws he was able to finish college obtaining a bachelors degree. When I talked to him about the vast differences in South Africa compared to his home his immediate response was "Everyplace should be like this, everywhere, everyone should be able to live like this, enjoying life, able to buy what they want with their money, in Nigeria even if you have money you can't get some things." After further discussion we came to the point that it means freedom, maybe it's in a hellish form of a mall; the lazy escalators, sensory overload neon signs can make one nauseated at times make available certain freedoms that simply don't exist otherwise. Now wouldn't it be great if we could learn to develop ourselves in true freedom and break free from materialism having the freedom to buy what we choose but remembering what is really worth our time and money will never be found in a store. 

Missing America

Missing home

Talking to my dad the other day I told him some things I missed about home, it was nothing you can fit in a care package so I thought it'd make a good blog entry. After nearly 5 months away

1) I will never again mock the fact that there is literally a Starbucks or other coffee shop on every corner of American streets. I miss having coffee prepared for me even if I have to pay for it! It's not even an option here in the village fahgettaboutit but even in town centers you may be lucky to find one place that serves it and there's a good chance they will run out they day you are running on fumes!

2) ive said this one a lot before but it's worth repeating, running water. For showers, washing dishes, and hands. It's probably silly but I feel the water pressure actually adds to the cleaning. 

3) restaurants - it's the epitome of irony that where it takes the most energy to make food there is the least caloric food made available. Having one meal at Applebee's here would provide the calories they need to make the other two meals of the day, collecting and chopping firewood, blowing on burning embers until fire roars, for a bowl of soup or a heap of fufu it all requires more calories than will be consumed. At least it feels like it. 

4) refrigeration - going off the last one - you can't even save the food for more than a day after all the work to start the fire and cook. If you want something like meat well you either invite the neighbors or bargain for the smallest portion worth buying.

5) affordable postpaid cell plans- the prepaid units are expensive, environmentally wasteful and just plain inconvenient! 

6) diversity - I've mentioned this in previous posts but I really miss being able to talk with or see people from all over the world on a daily basis, without looking for some "ex pat" community hangout in a city hours away. 

7) physical freedom - I can't hold the hand of a guy friend let alone give them a hug. I can't ask someone to massage my shoulders. I can't even say out loud what I really feel half the time. It's as if displaying any negativity is a sign of the devil. No wonder nothing gets fixed how can it when you don't recognize problems? It has to be an international priority to get in the mind if a Malawian. 

8) not sleeping under a mosquito net! It's just annoying tucking and returning every time u want to get up or lay down!

9) cars and driving laws- yes our traffic is a nightmare but imagine commutes on bicycles or foot as the only option! while the option to ride or walk is nice to have like major cities on the east coast have public bike share programs and trains that can give you a pleasurable walk from the station to your office. It's not the same as going weeks without even seeing a car! And when you do ride in one knowing you'll be comfortable and not packed like a sardine (except maybe that morning commute hour on the DC metro) =)

10) last but not least indoor toilets with actual toilet seats! Yep topping off the list something's just shouldn't have to be done in places where insects are buzzing and crawling. Some things require a certain degree of comfort. Enough said.

Nothing new

Nothing new 

I never ask them to stay and they always go

All the thrills are gone

The tears stay and my vision is always blurred 

An unbearable feeling, a fleeting comfort 

Like a goodbye kiss 

but you know you'll never see them again

Like watching cartoons as an adult u know they are just illusions

Imaginary unreal

They can't keep you anymore than you can hold water in your hands

But when one just wants to hold your hand 

Little girl doesn't know what to do 

Older men scare me because they know what they do

How to melt our little hearts and lead us into temptation 

But your wisdom is not in years 

I don't know where it  is, I only know my heart starts to flutter when you talk to me, 

I'm speechless when I look in your eyes.  

A grown woman shy in a young mans shadow 

The silence says more than Shakespeare wrote

The bard didn't know the women's side of love

One of fathers not mothers 

Abandonment, inferiority, domination, and fear.

Never knowing when they should stay or go

Can she even chose

It's a mans world isn't it

No one would listen had she said a word 

No one but you young man 

A new generation ready to cherish that which is not new but old

Old as Eve, an imperfect helper for you imperfect man

A good, pure heart

A good pure heart

Few know this bit about my past but I am ready to share now. As time in a village gives lots of time to think. 

but a man of God in my beloved Nigeria once said "she has a good pure heart and if it is deceived it will no longer be pure." This was in 2011. 

That friend never deceived me although those words left him scared to stay in a position where he potentially could. 

Well my heart turned to my work since then and away from anyone or anything that would deceive me, or so I thought. 

A heart, one that strangers can see, and is open to the people God loves most, is a burden as much as it is a blessing. My life would be dull and meaningless without my heart for orphans and impoverished people. Without knowledge of the injustice and my will to fight it with my life, my heart would not even belong with me.

This heart brings joys beyond compare, it bears witness to hope in front of the hopeless, it loves the rejected and forgotten and finds comfort in the giggles of children. Pure in intention good in action. 

But with all of that comes some discomfort 

It's weighed down by miscommunication, by deep corrupt eyes.

It's easily deceived and numb to hurt

It's burden is to remain light in darkness 

To keep warmth in the absence of heat

To see the demands of billions falling on the shoulders of just a few thousand

And ache felt for those left behind and those already gone...

It's a burden just narrowly outweighed by the elation. 

The heart celebrated for a day and then silenced for decades

It beats against the wind, weary and prejudged

It's harder to understand than the "latest and greatest" gadget guide

Showing strength in front of malnourished, neglected children, composure in front of the ignorant....

Patience at the end of the day for the little ones to come and take what love they can

Its solidarity with a small network spread wide across the globe only virtually sending hugs and kisses not often enough providing a shoulder to lean on. 

And so at night it's tears fall unheard and unseen, invisible 

It's hopelessly hopeful

Unafraid when it should be chained up

Seeking pain elsewhere not where it matters not where it's unknown 

It can't chase all the dreams if it had 3 lifetimes but with a helper well... maybe

But for now this heart works alone